Unlove

When love comes with consequences,
one must learn which love she is
going to sacrifice.

Listen, she said, my mind of love is full
of disappointment and wrecked desire. I want
someone who will leave long marks of defeat
under my skin, who will never tell me they love
me under the right circumstances, because let's
face it - there is no right circumstances. I always
came into their life at the wrong time, in the wrong
body and the wrong face. I want someone to want me,
but not so much, just enough for them to think about
the way I smile at them with all the found innocence
and forced nonchalance, to think about the way my body
unconsciously leans toward them, like they are the right
place to be, to think about my eyelashes that cover the
gaze I direct at them two times too many. Please think of me,
she said, I had cursed out loud and made you laugh and
comforted you with me being the utmost sincere of a person
that i am and of course that wasn't very attractive.
But don't think of me too much and don't be scared of
what comes next if you would have let your mind wander
closer to where our friendship is prohibited. My fingers
lingering on the top bit of your shoulders and the occasional
passing of skin on skin accidental touches weren't all that deep.
I keep rerouting myself back to where a crush is only the pure
thought of a child who was too eager for affection. I had kissed
far too many, slept with a lot and made love to some: physical
tension isn't too be afraid or worshiped, in the end, our hands
were meant to touch someone and our hearts to be broken over
something. At the right moment and with the wrong minds, sometimes
we kissed those we shouldn't and missed someone who we should
have kept beside us. 

She laughed because just like everytime, she
doesn't know what she is looking for. But please,
god, this time, please let somebody who loves her
as who she is come to her and for once she doesn't
have to question her solitude, the gentle and silent
state of being that she enjoys but is in doubt with most of the time.
Except this time, she couldn't convince herself
that the love she is going to keep is going to be the
right one.

So she learns how to unlove.