"Just wanna say how bad I feel because of my reaction last night. I know how much courage it takes to talk about one's emotions and yet my reaction might not be what you expected. I don't know what you expected, but from my ends I know I didn't expect all that from you.
Regardless of whether your words being a momentarily provoked emotional moment or your real feelings you have been keeping inside all this time, it for sure threw me off and consequently left me with mixed thoughts and feelings. I also don't know why you feel as if I should know your feeling now, and how you want it to determine the relationship between us.
Just like you, I have secured my emotions in a place so that no one will ever be able to break my heart. Not that my heart was ever broken by anyone - I just do not like that vulnerability we show when we let someone in our world. I never fell in love, I long thought I did when I was 19, but it was not, and love to me is a exhausted process of overreacting feelings and suicidal thoughts, obsession and insecurities mixed all at once when the significance of your life suddenly depends on someone else.
Yet I enjoy the organic feeling of human connection. To say the least, I come to enjoy a person's companionship, well knowing that this will eventually end someday. And that's okay - I had never intended any relationship to last longer than its life span. In the end, we are just two people sharing mutual feelings and life activities for a while.
That's why when you said you kept yourself distant so you don't fall in love again, it strikes me as if you want it. You are afraid of your heart being played, because you might put your real heart out there when it comes to relationships. I don't. I can spend half my life with someone and when the time comes I will just bid my farewell. I believe there is a reason people meet, and there be lessons we take from it no matter how brief the meetings be - a moment, couple years, or a lifetime.
(...) I really did like you, but just like you being cautious, I never put myself in the situation where you can hurt me more than I allow you to. That's partially reason why I can come back to you after all these dramas.
And all the little things that you did and said, they do make me happy and I would be lying if I said I never wanted to get closer to you. But if you ask me if I want it to happen, I'd say probably not. Of course, I like the honeymoon phase of every relationship where we try to impress each other and long for each meeting, and you did that really well. I remember the times where you were still comfortable to show me how much you were into me, like holding my hands and comment on my fingers and such. I still thought of those first encounters and sometimes wonder if I don't fuck things up where would the direction of things between us would go. But I'm smart enough to realize that other than the mutual attraction, we have nothing in common. And that's okay, because at the end all you're gonna remember about me (if you do) is that girl whom you never let in your world and you're that guy from this strange city who was this close to step into my heart.
I don't know if this explains anything or if it just confuses you. I just want to be fair and give back the vulnerability you show last night and talk about what I once felt about you. What I feel now about you, I can't tell. I don't even think of that anymore, we all are too busy and insecure to let other people dominate our mind, ain't we?
So there you go, I don't know which one of us is lonelier - you who are afraid of getting closer to someone else, or me who will not even care even after getting closer and things dont work, but in the midst of this crazy thing we call life, once every lonesome nights we can share some warmness - I guess that's enough to get us by.
I don't think I had loved you or not, or what love even is, or what you meant by it, or if it's just something you say due to the emotional and physical stimulation at the moment, but I think you showed me a part of yours that you never did, and I respect it. I process feelings really slowly, that's why I never reacted the right way on the spot, but always come up with bunches of thoughts later.
I guess that's it. I know I told you to text me the next time you want to meet, but you don't have to limit yourself to think about me once every month. From my ends, even if we meet regular than we do now, it's not gonna make the relationship more intimate than what it should be. We passed that phase of imagination and expectation. We are, at the end, two incompatible people with mutual attraction who enjoy each other's brief company every once in a while, are we not?"
