but i need you too

"But i need you too." She said, and so I questioned if that need is comparable to mine, ached back for days like bearing a giant shadow that weights a thousand lbs on my shoulders, not recognizing the reflection in the mirror, avoiding the mirror all along because pimples have popping up all over my face and I pride myself on having not perfect, never perfect, but clear skin, for the foundation to land on the surface beatly covering up all the horrors and build a safe wall between my neurotic thoughts and what people see. I never needed anybody, not a single one, I said to her. People come to me with their deep dark secrets and I absorbed them like a sponge until they all left, free-handed, forgetting;

I had laid next to my first queer lover who was so lost she couldn't find herself hungry for my kindness, I laid there and listened to her broken-hearted stories she would never tell anybody else because like her and I, her affair with that one person was also a secret. She wanted me but she was afraid - and that's just the code words for "she didn't fucking want me." It's okay, I buried those dark, sad, shadowed, tender eyes deep down somewhere and even when they made me cry again and again, I would only remember the pain and never, ever the love. The next woman sat on my laps, her clothes undone, and breathe against my naked ears the horrific details of where the skin was touched the conscience torn where the fear and the joy intertwined where the demons become family and I fought against myself violently ever since, to never forget her pains but begging my memories to let go of her, her undone shirt, her slender neck, or the way she leaned towards me and said "do whatever you want." Where are they now? Somewhere under this sky, probably, hopefully happy, and cheerful, and happy, and happy, and happy.
So when I am down and my demons come out they are never my own demons to begin with but always the demons I collected along the way: the gutted innocence and the distorted realities and the forgetful rememberance and I tried to talk to them but they all said: why are you defending them, they all left you. And I couldn't defend myself, or them, and usually I will just say "so what, I can take it, they're all gone, so what, I'm just alone, its a thing we all do. We die alone," and usually that's more than enough. I will get back up because the demons can never beat a person who does not take refuge in human kindness. 

But then she said, "I need you too," and I wonder to myself what kind of need can this be compared to, need as in "I need you to bear my pain" or that of "I need you to know my pain" or that of "I need you to take my pain away" or that of "I need you to pain me," all of the things I'm fluent in. So I tried to tell her, look, this is me, I'm this broken mess, I'm at the darkpit of the abyss, I'm gonna drain you inside out, I do not know what kind of value I can provide you with now, what do you mean you need me too. I wanted you to understand, that in my dark days, my life has been really really dark recently, all I can do is pretending that I dont exist, just so in my good days I can perform all these roles. I don't know who I am anymore. I am not be. I am not to be. And you can't be in need of something like that.