There are two types of people that I'm drawn to. The sad ones and the bright ones. I have always been interested in people who can sit there and the air around them just softens because of the melancholy in their voices and the looks in their eyes. Or for brightens up the whole room, for the other type. Later on, I realize these two types merge into one. The sad ones usually are the ones with the brightest smiles. And the bright ones sometimes have the saddest stories they bury somewhere in their chest.
There is another type. The dark ones. The damaged, the broken. Those are the only ones I would ever let near to my heart, because I have this irrational fear that my heart is too dark anyone else would have been tainted if they come close. So the dark ones wouldn't be affected by me and the damaged would understand. I just forgot the fact that people who are in pain usually do not have time to recognize anything else, they are too caught up with their own mess.
I used to be really violent. I remember my mom and brother had even planned to put me through either psychological therapy or some kinds of medical treatment, for I wasn't able to contain my anger. Whenever I'm mad, I would get physically aggressive and throw stuff. I used to punch at the mirror and broke all the mirrors in my room. I never hurt myself though. I guess my anger is always directed outwardly.
My first relationship that lasted almost 3-4 years was a messed up one. Like Warsan Shire said, "we manipulated each other to the point we think it was love," loosely quoted. All my craziness and negative energy were poured into this one. It was destructive, unbalanced, but it was also my first love. I didn't remember if I loved him, maybe I did. Maybe it was enough for a lifetime, because afterwards, I find it very hard to want a relationship where both sides have responsibilities towards each other. I seek for relationships where I'm sure that the others won't like me back, or if they do, something will keep us from entering a monogamous relationship.
J once asked me, what is an ideal healthy relationship for a Scorpio, or at least, for me, and I couldn't answer. I don't know. I have never desired anything too much, I only desire the feeling of desiring something, and because it doesn't happen too often, whenever it does, it hurts. I don't know how others people live their life, but my outlook at life is just a neutral gray color, nothing excites or intrigues me much (aside from social justice and equality, but that's another story), I have everything I need and want nothing else, so in order for me to feel something, I need it to be extreme. But extremity is dangerous, it could kill if it's too real. I don't know if I have ever been extremely happy, but what is the point of experiencing such a miraculous thing if we are certain things are never gonna be that good again? Like that feeling I once have toward this young person. I wanted them so badly it could kill me, the twist in my stomach feels like a thirst that hasn't been fulfilled. It was so destructive it is ridiculously addictive, and I could imagine how good it would feel if they like me too. Too good it scares me. Because if they do, nothing in this world can ever top that feeling and I would live in endless disappointment from that point on.
I guess I only know the kind of love that eats me alive. The love that associates with hunger, fear, loss, sadness and addiction. The kind of bad romance that Gaga mused badly in her cheesy song. That's the only love I know, so I don't know how to love. I am only amused by mutual attraction that leads to destruction, drawn to the people who are bound to hurt me because they won't be able to hurt me more than I allow them to. I guess I'm still too cruel to myself.
Maybe that's why I never got your number today, when you jumped to our corner and started dancing with us. You held my hand and we danced like an old couple (well not literally) who knew every movements of each other's. We drifted away from my friends and we were trying to keep up with each other's moves. I have a very distinctive way of dancing and not a lot of people dance the way I do, so it was very fresh to be able to have that connection with someone I just met. So we danced, and we laughed. Maybe I'm scared of your smile and the sparkle in your eyes. You said you were from the Bay area and that this is the last weekend you spent in SD and that you were leaving to Italy. I said, "amen to that", and kept dancing for a bit. Then I let go of you and you gave me a hug. You gorgeous, gorgeous thing, I wish you weren't that bright and the way our fingers held on to each other wasn't that natural, so I didn't have to feel this sudden loss. It's like a star has burned and only when it dies would you recognize that it ever lives, but the image of its glorious death has carved into your mind the forever emptied space in the sky.
Your name is Diana. The gorgeous black girl that refused to leave my mind. I never got your last name, but you are the name of a star that dies a glorious death. I don't like goodbyes, so it is more fun with a half-said hello. Nice to meet you. Nice to have met you, Diana.
