Reflections or 34 things I didn't tell you

1. I wanted you the way nobody ever wanted me, especially the one I used to want very much.
2. Your body is the beauty standard my body will never be, doesn't really want to be, and yet doesn't know how to resist.
3. I doubt myself a lot when I was with you. I didn't think I could beat the reflection on your mirror.
4. You make me realize how cruel I actually was with other lovers.
5. Maybe after all I had come to love you after realizing that you didn't really love me back.
6. I took refuge in the darkness you hide just to avoid my own.
7. Your father ruined you yet you still love men. My mother ruined me yet I still look for a woman to love.
8. That was a lie. You are the only woman I ever loved. I thought I was a paychopath.
9. I still didn't know if you ever loved me.
10. You didn't make me any better or worse. Just strange, very strange.
11. I binged again after our break up. Just now.
12. But I didn't starve myself, so that was good.
13. I caught myself look at all the men crossing paths with me as though they were the one hurting you.
14. I censored this because I'm a coward.
15. Also this because its about my mom.
16. And this because I'm making excuses for her.
17. My friend said you brought out the worst in me. I defended you.
18. I will always defend you, even if you're the one stabbing me.
19. Not that you do it willingly. But your existence is sharp as a knife and you hugged me so close I bleed.
20. We probably won't ever be friends anymore at this rate.
21. Which is fine, I don't have that many friends.
22. I really, really hated white men. You love them. I hated realizing it.
23. I don't really know why you stopped talking to me now but you checked out way earlier than that.
24. You broke up with me twice. And I took it.
25. I'm mad. I didn't want to. I felt as though I didn't have a right. That should be a sign.
26. I'm broken. So broken. Shattered. But I put myself together everyday to convince myself I can do it.
27. If I could be near, I honestly can't imagine how ugly things could get.
28. You want me as a secret. You would hold hand and kiss an one night stand at a bar but I will remain a secret down the chest you threw out the key.
29. I can't mourn my loss because it wasn't named. Wasn't there. Didn't exist.
30. You are selfish. I called it "she has to, otherwise how could she survive."
31. It wasn't love. I tried to make it love. We both freaked the fuck out.
32. I stopped looking for the soft boys that are harmless just to feel wanted. You should do the same.
33. I think we did the right thing.
34. Honestly, I still wonder what you would do the next time I'm back. (Probably what you do best, silence.)